Who Invited You?
Why do people wait until after you’re in a committed relationship to speak up and want to date?
First and foremost, I doubt the person’s intent is to date. But to be fair, there are multiple approaches to why others may seek to pursue you after you are in a committed relationship. Some are jealous. Some are spiteful. Some are fearful they have missed their chance to be with you. And some are only interested in self-fulfillment.
Those who are jealous of your relationship are upset because someone took what they perceived as being theirs. As a society, we tend to claim people as ours. “This is the person I will make mine.” “Will you be mine?” “I own you.” This ideology is deeply rooted within our society. But the root of this issue is going into topics unrelated to the original question. When a person has marked you as theirs, and they are forced to acknowledge a reality contrary to their belief, they begin to perform acts to protect this reality they‘ve formed. This is when the DM slides from old exes begin — or those who previously ghosted you.
Think of this as being similar to the after-glow-up reactions. To the jealous party, you having a new partner is equivalent to a glow-up. Do not fall for the trap. This person is only interested in keeping you where you were and extinguishing your glow. You are not the blessing they are seeking. The only blessing you can provide for them is your rejection. Either they will grow and heal or stay jealous. Regardless, they are not your problem.
For the spiteful person, watch out for them. These are often the ones with who you’ve had some type of relationship. This can be a former partner or a friend. Yes, some friends only pop up to ruin your relationships. Going back to the original question, I understand friends do not often want to date you. However, I also know that some friends can fit within the jealous or spiteful category. These friends are just as interested in seeing your relationship fail as those who are former partners or random people who slide in your DMs. This isn’t a way to say be wary of all friends, but know which friends have your best interest in mind and which friends are operating from a place of hurt.
Those who are within the spiteful category have no intention of being in a committed relationship with you. They are too busy trying to enact revenge towards you or just any person who fits the description of the person who caused their hurt. These persons are so focused on causing hurt on a specific person or group they do not care who is hurt in the process.
These persons may want to date you with the intent of hurting their former partner(s), making others jealous, ruining a relationship just because, or they have a personal vendetta against the person you are dating. Long story short, stay away from these people. They are operating from a place of hurt and wish to spread that hurt to others. They do not care about you. These individuals may manipulate you and your feelings to accomplish their goals. Do NOT allow them to do so. They are not worth your time, energy, happiness, or despair.
The ones who are fearful of their missed opportunity are a bit less worrisome compared to the previous examples. These are the ones who either never had the courage to speak up or were patiently waiting for you to indicate you were available and open to dating. It is unfortunate for them. Again, this is more about them and not you.
Their lack of action is not something you must worry about. If things do not work out in your current, committed relationship and the person is still available, feel free to pursue them if you wish to. Oftentimes, these are the persons who have a fear of rejection from those they have found attractive for some time. Many times, these are persons who have been stuck in the friendzone. This does not mean some within this group do not have red flags or toxic qualities about them, but this is why dating with intent is important (but that’s a discussion for a future blog).
The individuals who are only interested in self-fulfillment are definitely not worth your time. These individuals are interested in conquest and conquest only. They do not care about the fact that you’re in a committed relationship. They just want the chance to have sex with you and leave you. If you allow them to persuade you into cheating on your partner, they are not going to care about the guilt you are soon to develop.
These persons are closely related to the spiteful person. They may be operating from a place of hurt or from a place of lust. Regardless, they have little to no respect for you or your relationship. These are the people who just want to say they’ve stolen another person’s partner from them. THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! They are only focused on their wants and pleasure. They do not care how their actions may have long-term consequences. They will make you feel special and retreat from you after they’ve accomplished their mission. Do not engage. I repeat: DO NOT ENGAGE.
This type of person has a lot of growing to do and may have some trauma they need to address. Feel free to provide them with mental health resources, but do not provide them with your time or presence. Remember, you deserve someone willing to pour in just as much back into you as you pour into them. You do not deserve someone who is only looking to take away from you.
Regardless of the reason behind a person’s newfound desire for you, most of the time it is about them and not you. Just because they are now interested in you, you are not required to give them the attention they want from you. Focus on your relationship. If things do not work out with that relationship, focus only on suitors who match your energy and the qualities you want within a partner. Again, you deserve the best fit for you. Date with intention.
