Identifying My Wants And Needs

How do you distinguish between the person that you want and the person you need?

This is a tough question to answer. This is one of those things that we cannot answer for certain, however, there’s a way for you to find this answer yourself. The question I have for you is “Are you willing to be honest with yourself, and are you comfortable with doing introspection?”

I do not want to be assumptive towards your dating history or your current standing. You could have been with others romantically or you have been single up until reaching out to us. Whatever the case may be, I think this advice will be helpful to you, nonetheless.

First, you have to understand that sometimes your wants do not always match what you need in a partner or partners. For example, people often want the chance to date their favorite celebrity, but that celebrity may not be the person they need. Sometimes, what you need turns out to be something you no longer want. To illustrate this properly, lets imagine that you are thirsty. At this moment, your need is to have something to quench your thirst. You go to the store and purchase a gallon of water, or whatever your preferred beverage may be. After you purchase your beverage, you end up quenching your thirst and put the rest of it up until you are thirsty once more.

Sometimes we find partners who fit either category. We aim for that person that provides the instant gratification of amusement. They are attractive to you. They have the finances. They have the “look”. Others may want their attention, but they have chosen you. This is the person of want but no need. This is the person that has a singular quality about them. There is no depth. This is not to say the person does not have true depth, but the totality of the relationship lacks depth. In other words, this is a superficial relationship.

Now, let’s address the need. Just a caveat, the intricacies of finding a person you need in your life and the societal pressures of finding someone you “need” can be a whole blog post in and of itself. If that discussion is of interest to any, just let us know and we will dive into the topic. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a bad thing to need someone, but there are some downsides to it.

Let’s go back to the example of being thirsty for a beverage. The drink has fulfilled a need. Sometimes this similar fulfillment is sought after in relationships, most often in sexual advancement. This is more so a want that has survived under the guise of a need. Many of us create our own guises and identify our wants for our ideal partner as things that we need. This would be a great opportunity to highlight the differences between the two. A want is something you desire; however, a need is a necessity. Think of wants as conditions a person must meet and need as sustainable fulfillment. For a deeper dive on identifying conditions, we recommend reading Chapter 7 of “The Essential Guide on How to be a Hoe”. Click here to purchase a copy.

But what are the downsides to needs? I am getting there. I promise. Before I discuss this, I ask that you take a break from reading. Find something to write with (or use a device to type) and something to write on. However, no writing on the wall. We have an assignment for you. Make a list of things you want in a partner (or partners). After doing that, list what you need. Once you’re done with both lists, circle or highlight everything you consider a desire. Now, underline the things you believe are necessities. Do not throw this away. I will be coming back to the lists soon.

The downside of needs is either we do not know what we need, we identify our needs through the lens of trauma, or our needs are based on others’ wants. To explain these, I must first start with basing our needs on others’ wants. Much of this comes from our family and friends. Have you ever heard the phrase “when are you going to bring home a…” or “I can’t wait to be an uncle/aunt/grandparent/parent”? Have you ever felt that pressure to accomplish what others want for your life rather than what you desire and need? This is just one of the downfall of needs and how we view them.

This is a common example for those who have been in a relationship before, the need for having your partner in your life. This form of need often presents itself within a codependent relationship or a toxic/abusive relationship. The use of toxic/abusive relationship is to include relationships that are manipulative, verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, or lacks mutual respect. This example may seem as though it is extreme, however, relationships that fall within this category are more common than one thinks. The same can be said about the codependent relationship (a topic for another blog post).

Those who find themselves within a toxic/abusive relationship have issues with identifying their wants and needs. For example, the brave individuals who are suffering from an abusive relationship often return to their partner(s) due to the feeling they deserve the abusive treatment, they need their partner(s) because they provide a sense of security, or the treatment has become their version of normal and they neither want nor need change to their norm. Some have an issue with understanding they do not need the partner(s), but want to be with them (however, the issue here is deeper than what we have presented thus far). The toxic/abusive relationship is an example of identifying one’s needs through trauma.

Identifying one’s needs through the lens of trauma also includes less severe circumstances. Believe it or not, financial insecurity creates trauma. A person may desire a wealthy partner in order to escape from their financial situation. Trauma similar to this can be found within housing insecurity, insecurities based on self-esteem, or failures in trust. Failed relationships, be it a platonic friendship or something romantic, may impact how we see future relationships, most definitely if you are the type of person who tends to generalize. The trauma does not have to be severe to impact how we identify what we need in a partner.

Now, I come back to the original question, “How do you distinguish between the person that you want and the person you need?”. First, you must figure out what a healthy relationship looks like to you. Let’s go back to the assignment. Since you’ve identified your desires and necessities, it is time for you to put everything into a paragraph. For the desires, try using sentences like “A quality I desire for my partner is…” or “It would be desirable if my partner…”. Whatever feels natural and provides flow in compiling your desires, go for it. As for your necessities, try using sentences that explicitly state it is a necessity or it is necessary (i.e. “it is necessary for my partner to…” or “having such and such quality is a necessity…”). There you go. You now have a start.

The issue here is not about being able to distinguish between the person you want and the person you need. The issue is identifying the difference between the person you want superficially, the person you need for current circumstances, and the person that provides the ideal balance. Remember when I said sustainable fulfillment? That’s finding the balance between the two. This is the person(s) that keep you from feeling thirsty and provides depth to the relationship. With that being said, I wish you the best of luck in your search.

PS: If you are interested in journaling, Slaytor’s Playhouse now has a collection of journals. The collection will become available on October 1st. Click here to access our first journal.