Chapter 2
Consent
(WARNING: Some aspects of this chapter may cause discomfort or may become triggering to the reader)
Consent is a difficult concept to understand. I only say this because many make it hard. If you ask me, it is simple. The only way for a person to consent is for them to give an enthusiastic yes. Anything outside of this, is not consent. “Yes” is the only thing that means yes! However, this is a book about educating, therefore, let us educate ourselves on the topic of consent.
Remember when I mentioned that little thing about cognitive dissonance? If you do not remember, please make your way back to Chapter 1. When discussing consent, we are often faced with our own cognitive dissonance. You may have the desire to mention that I am incorrect and your pre-existing beliefs are the only truth that exists. I am going to tell you this now, your beliefs may be fictitious. If they are, that is okay. Now, you will have new information that will assist in unlearning harmful information. We all have things we are ignorant about. If this so happens to be one of those things you are ignorant about, I am happy that I am able to assist in educating you.
Just for a sense of credibility for those who may question this information, I am versed in the subject of consent. I have been studying rape culture and consent since 2014. Within this time frame, I have earned a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree, and I am currently pursuing my doctorate. My research toward obtaining my master’s degree focused on rape culture within the collegiate environment. As for my dissertation, the focus is the same but more focused on campus leaders/influencers, such as fraternity and sorority organizations. I will include a list of reading recommendations at the end of this section for those interested in learning more about rape culture and consent.
First and foremost, what is consent? As mentioned before, consent is an enthusiastic yes. It is the yes you give someone when they ask you would you like $100. It is the yes you give to someone when they ask you if you want to go on a friends’ trip or go watch a movie. That yes you provide to the previous requests is the same yes you should be looking for when it comes to sexual encounters. Absence of the enthusiastic yes does not equal to a maybe or a definite yes. Absence of a yes is a no. There are no hidden secrets. The only way for a person to say yes is for them to articulate yes.
Some would argue that if one wishes to be as clear as possible with what they are consenting to, the individual should use a consent contract. Though I do not use those myself, just know this is an option for those who may desire its use. It would be remiss of me not to mention this now, but if someone choses to use a consent contract, their consent can be retracted at any time. Think of the consent contract as a subscription to a premium service. The only difference is when one unsubscribes, or consent is withdrawn, the premium you paid would be refunded and the benefits end immediately. There is no loss for either party and no boundaries were violated. By this point, I hope you know where this chapter is going. If you do not, you will definitely know soon.
Consent is giving one’s approval. Consent occurs when one person voluntarily, or enthusiastically, agrees to the proposal or desires of another. Think about a marriage proposal. When one partner proposes to their potential fiancé, the potential fiancé must provide their consent to become engaged to marry. Remember this example for later discussions within this chapter. Also, keep in mind what I mentioned about cognitive dissonance. Now, back to this marriage proposal scenario. To be respectful of gender identity, and to assist those who may not grasp the full spectrum of gender identity, I will be referring to the partner who proposes as Sam and the potential fiancé as Jordan.
As I have mentioned before, Sam has made the decision to propose to Jordan. Jordan enthusiastically says yes and agrees to become engaged to Sam. This is consensual. Now, let us shift the environment of the proposal. Imagine your version of Sam and Jordan and place them in a public setting, such as a mall. Now, prior to digging into this scenario, remember consent can be withdrawn and “no” is also an appropriate answer for a proposal.
As we are imagining Sam and Jordan at the mall, be sure that the mall is crowded. Sam begins to make their move to propose to Jordan. The crowd stops what they are doing. They pull out their phones and begin to record this declaration of love. The energy of the crowd is exciting and anticipatory for a response. Sam has the biggest and happiest of smiles on their face. Jordan begins to blush. Jordan looks around and sees the many people that are watching the life changing moment unfold. Jordan seems speechless for a few moments and then says no. Sorry if you’re upset with this response in this scenario. It was literally foreshadowed within the last paragraph.
Sometimes, when a person says “no” it is not a rejection of the person, but the proposal. When this happens, there may be a need to have a discussion with your partner to see what is going on. Sometimes, your partner may not be ready to have the conversation about why they said “no”, and this is okay. They probably just need time to get to the point to have the conversation. Their “no” is more about them than it is about you. This is a time for you to listen and learn. Marriage is a big decision for many people. It is life changing. There is a possibility your partner is not ready for marriage or being engaged. Maybe they are dealing with more deep-rooted concerns that they may need help processing before they make the decision to marry. Whatever the case may be, they need the time to articulate their feelings.
Let’s rewind the scenario. This time imagine Jordan says yes to Sam’s proposal. Sam wraps Jordan in a warm embrace. The surrounding crowd begins to clap and provide their congratulations to the couple as they pursue their new milestone. Later that day, shortly after returning from the mall, Sam continues to tell Jordan how happy they are to now be engaged. Sam states how they cannot wait to inform parents. Jordan, who happens to be close to the door of the couple’s shared apartment, catches the attention of Sam. Jordan states they are sorry and do not wish to hurt Sam. Jordan says they are not ready to be engaged and the pressure of the crowd made Jordan say yes to the proposal. Jordan did not want to reject Sam in front of the crowd out of fear of embarrassing Sam.
If anyone is upset by this outcome, again, I apologize. This is a plausible scenario. Though this is yet another example of a person retracting their consent, there is more to the situation than that. Peer pressure and coercion can influence a person to say yes; however, it is not consent. If you must convince or persuade someone to say yes, then it is not true consent. Let this be stated now: there is no difference between persuasion or coercion. The only difference, based on definition, is coercion’s use of force. However, coercion is not always forceful — more of that to come later in the chapter, outside the upcoming paragraph.
Let us return to the scenario between Jordan and Sam. Sam is noticeably hurt by the rejection of their proposal. Sam then goes on the following rant:
“Jordan! How can you do this to me? I thought you loved me. You said you didn’t want to embarrass me. Well, I’m clearly embarrassed. Who do you think you are to say no to me!? As though I don’t pay for your food, your clothes, your shoes! No, you’re going to marry me and that’s the last I’m going to hear of that! Think about it. You have nowhere else to go. You can’t afford to be on your own. I own everything that is you! And we are getting married. End of discussion.”
This is an example of toxic, aggressive behavior. If your image of Sam suddenly shifted into a male figure, I am happy to inform you that you have the ability to identify toxic masculinity. Back to the scenario. For most, this scenario is uncomfortable. This is coercion at its finest. With coercion comes control and a sense of power. Sam did not physically force Jordan to stay and marry them, Sam made a forcefully restricting reality where Jordan has no way out of the marriage. Be mindful, Jordan did not reject Sam, just their proposal. Jordan is not ready for the level of commitment that comes with an engagement or marriage. This is not consent. Forced consent is not consent. Persuaded or coerced consent is not consent. It is not consent if there is no enthusiastic yes. Consent is a thing, and it is important. Consent cannot be stolen or taken. Consent is not something that can be implied. Consent is something that one party gives to another. Also, if they are not a legal adult, they cannot consent to any sexual act no matter how mature the CHILD may seem. By this point, I hope you know what’s next. If you do not know then it is rape. Rape is the next topic.
Rape is defined as being forced sexual intercourse inclusive of both psychological coercion and physical coercion. In addition to rape, other aspects of this subject must be explored — including sexual assault and sexual violence. Sexual assault is the full range of physically forced, verbally coerced, or substance-incapacitated acts such as kissing, touching, or vaginal, oral, and anal penetration. Since I have referred to it several times now, let’s define sexual coercion. Sexual coercion is any unwanted sexual activity that happens when a person is pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Lastly, sexual violence. Sexual violence is any sexual activity when consent is not obtained or not given freely.
This section is uncomfortable for a reason. Rape is uncomfortable. Rape is traumatizing. Rape is life altering. Rape is something that should never be validated, which contributes to the rape culture many have. Much of the information in terms of statistics presented below can be found on the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) website.
According to the current statistics, as of October of 2020, every 73 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. To put that into perspective, if commercial breaks on a typical channel lasts 3 minutes each break, this means there is a minimum of 2 people raped or sexually assaulted on every commercial break. If that makes you want to skip commercials and go to your preferred streaming service in order to get your mind off the subject, please be mindful that if one were to watch a 45 minute commercial-free show, then roughly 36 people have been sexually assaulted or raped within that time frame. Uneasy, but I am going to take this chance to mention that current statistics estimated an average of 433,648 victims aged 12 or older experience rape and sexual assault each year in the United States. Apparently, young people are not as safe as some would believe them to be.
Younger people, those under the age of 30, are at the highest risk for sexual violence. People who are within the age range of 18 and 34 make up 54 percent of sexual assault victims. But sexual violence can happen to anyone at any age. Though this age group makes up the majority, this does not mean sexual violence is absent within the minority. I mention this in order to tackle a topic I often see online when the topic of sexual violence appears, which is also a tie-in to the next sexual violence statistic pertaining to a person’s legal sex. I use the term legal sex because most statistics may mention male or female, but there is no true way of knowing if the recorded data is based on the victim’s reported gender or the gender presented on a person’s legal documents or identification when reported within the general population. If someone has more information on this, please educate me on this topic. I would appreciate it.
1 out of 6 women are estimated to have been a victim of an attempted or completed rape within her lifetime, whereas men are estimated at 1 out of 33. I must first acknowledge that 1 rape within any category is too many. Among college students ages 18 to 24, college women are 3 times more likely to be a victim of sexual violence compared to the general population. College men, on the other hand, are 5 times more likely to be a victim of sexual violence compared to the general population of men. Additionally, 21 percent of college students that identify as transgender, genderqueer, or nonconforming have been sexually assaulted. Seems to me as though colleges are not as safe as most think.
In reviewing the statistics, women have a higher chance of being raped than men, however, men are still being raped. When there is a post on social media of a person highlighting the plight of women being sexually assaulted, it does nothing for the fight to end sexual assault by stating the fact that “men are raped too”. As a man who has been sexually assaulted in the past, I can tell you now, just about all advocates against sexual violence know. Advocates know men are victims of sexual violence and are victimized by those of the same gender and different gender expressions. Contrary to what some may believe, the fight against sexual violence is not a fight against men. It is a fight against rapist and victimizers, which means ALL rapist and victimizers regardless of gender expression. However, due to the high volume of sexual violence against women — a term I am using to be inclusive to those who identify as trans women — and feminine presenting genderqueer and nonconforming individuals, this is why the argument seems to be female heavy. I am here to tell you all voices are being heard in this fight.
For anyone who wishes to educate themselves more about sexual violence and review updated statistics, I recommend visiting RAINN’s website. There is so much more to the topic outside of what has been mentioned thus far. Sexual violence has a lasting impact on the victims. It is within our families, our churches, our prison system, our armed forces, and sometimes our relationships. Sexual violence is widespread, and perpetrators must be held accountable for their actions. Now that sexual violence has received an introduction, I feel as though it is time to discuss sexual violence and consent. This section may be triggering for some and I recommend that you do what is best for your mental health. The purpose for much of this chapter and this book is to educate. For anyone who may need the resources, I will make sure I include RAINN’s contact information and webpage within the recommendations list.
Remember our friends Jordan and Sam? I feel as though it is time to bring them back. Remember, their image is solely within your hands. Just a reminder for those who might have been affected by the information load that was the previous set of paragraphs. Consent has to be given. It is not implied. It is not yours to take. For those who do not know, consent is sexy.
Imagine Jordan and Sam once more. They are sitting on the couch. The couple are watching a show they both enjoy. The vibes within the room seems warm, comforting, and joyous. Both Jordan and Sam are enjoying each other’s company. If the atmosphere can be described as a feeling, the atmosphere is just right. Jordan places their arm around Sam’s shoulders and pulls Sam closer. Sam chuckles. Jordan begins to kiss Sam. Sam kisses Jordan back. Jordan then begins to kiss down Sam’s body. Jordan’s kisses come close to Sam’s naval area. Jordan lifts Sam’s shirt. Jordan then begins to unbutton Sam’s jeans. Sam whispers to Jordan, “Wait”. Jordan continues to kiss around Sam’s pelvic region. Sam lets out a moan. By this point, Sam’s underwear is at their ankles. Jordan performs oral sex on Sam until Sam orgasms.
What is missing from the former scene? If you do not know what is missing within this situation, that is okay. If you are experiencing that feeling as though you are back in class and everyone else seems to know the answer, but you do not, that is okay. You are not the only person that did not know that consent was the one thing missing within the sexual encounter. The scene is an example of sexual violence.
If you are feeling as though I may be wrong, that is on you. Feel free to have the conversation with whomever you wish in order for someone to validate your perspective on the scene. However, at the end of the day, my statement remains true. Is this an appropriate time to bring back our friend cognitive dissonance? In the previous scene, Jordan did not receive Sam’s consent. I understand some may argue that the mood seemed right. Let me be the first to tell you, what’s right for you is not right for another person. The feeling of right-ness is not something that can be implied. The feeling of right-ness is not something that replaces consent. The feeling of right-ness is the opportunity to engage in conversation to see if the atmosphere is right for both parties.
Consent seems to be a hard topic to understand, but it really is not. Consent is only a hard topic to discuss because we live within a rape culture. It is hard to see what is missing around you when your culture tells you that it is never needed and is not present. To all of you who wish to live the life of a hoe, understanding consent is your first step. I would love to end this chapter here, but, unfortunately, there is still more that needs to be understood about consent in terms of sexual violence.
Rewind the previous scene. Jordan’s arm is around Sam. The two have consented to making out. There is mutual passion throughout the room. Sam is now lying on their back. Jordan smoothly runs their hand down the front of Sam’s body as though Jordan’s fingertips are cotton ball hairs. Jordan begins to kiss near the naval area. Jordan then begins to unbutton Sam’s jeans. Sam whispers to Jordan, “Wait”. Jordan stops. Jordan looks upward and locks eyes with Sam. “Are you ok? You don’t want oral?”, asks Jordan. Sam responds, “I’m not really feeling it tonight. I’d rather just make out some more and cuddle.” Jordan replies, “I’d like to do that too. I’m here to please you. I also want to please you this way too. I’ll make it quick.” Sam pauses for a second. Sam responds, “I guess”.
I know some of you reading this scene and thought, “who the fuck says no to oral?” Those who thought that may be having a chuckle right now and that is ok. It is a somewhat funny statement. Outside of that, oral sex is pleasurable, but it is not pleasurable for all people. We all possess different sexual interests and that is ok. Sexuality, and the way sexuality is expressed, is quite complicated. But that is a deep conversation for a different book.
This is yet another example of sexual coercion. This is not consent. Jordan does not respect Sam’s wishes and attempts to persuade Sam into having oral sex. This is not appropriate behavior, and this is not consensual. Also, I guess is not an enthusiastic yes. I often wonder if the sexual coercion would be reduced within relationships if we all became more comfortable with rejection.
Sexual violence is a draining topic to discuss. It is tiresome. I am tired of writing about it. However, it is a topic worth discussing and we should tire ourselves so much that we do not allow it to continue. This is a topic that I am passionate about and I am tired of it. Because I am so tired of it, let me go down a full list of items that are considered sexual violence.
- If your partner is intoxicated in any way and you have sex with them, it is considered sexual violence. People often ask if both parties are intoxicated is that still considered sexual assault? It is still considered sexual assault according to the law. That is not up to me to define for any person. Additionally, if your partner informs you that they wish to have sex with you later in the evening after a night of partying and drinking, do not have sex with them. First and foremost, they would be intoxicated at the time of the sexual act and that is rape under the law. Whatever sexualized being that comes home to you, do not have sexual intercourse with them. Make sure they are ok and let them rest. Secondly, remember, consent can be retracted. Just because someone consents to sex at 4:00 PM does not mean they would be consenting to it at 8:00 PM (i.e. when friends cancel plans on each other). Things change. Because your partner is intoxicated, they are unable to provide consent.
- If your partner consents to sex where one or both parties must wear some form of protection, it is considered sexual violence if any party removes their form of protection without the informed consent of their sexual partner. For example, if you are having sex with your partner, and you remove a condom without your partner’s knowledge, this act is a type of sexual violence. As a rule, do not engage in any sexual activity if you have desires to trick someone into having your preferred sexual encounter. At the end of the day, at least one party, the victim, did not have the opportunity to provide consent to the unprotected sex.
- With the previous example, I have the need to broaden my example. Because of the use of the word condom, I feel as though some minds became gender specific. I just want to remind readers that perpetrators of sexual violence are not specific to any gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, or age. Essentially, if sexual violence is likened to a corporation, it is an equal opportunity employer. With that being said, if your partner is under the impression that you are using a form of birth control and you are not, that is a form of sexual violence. Before anyone throws the book, forms of birth control include condoms (both male and female), the pill, a vasectomy, the IUD, the shot, so on and so on. I only mention this to say birth control is a two-way street, similar to the responsibilities which come along with birthing a child and thereafter.
- If either party has any life-altering disease, please inform your sexual partner. If you do not, it is considered a form of sexual violence. I encourage all to get tested on a regular basis and communicate with your sexual partner(s) if there is some disease in which you and your partner must discuss. Though some are curable, this does not mean the disease is not life-altering. I do not possess the authority to declare whether or not a disease is life-altering. What may seem meaningless to one person, may be significant to another. If you need an example, think about the COVID-19 pandemic.
There is just so much about consent. I may be able to podcast about consent for hours. But that is also a conversation for another day. I feel as though we are all at an understanding of consent. Some might be angry, others may feel validated, and maybe some were even able to heal. Who knows what you have experienced while reading this chapter? But this chapter must come to a close. I would not consider my job complete if I do not tackle some common myths about rape. Whatever you take away from this section is what you take away. Enjoy!
- Rape can happen within a relationship, which includes marriage.
- Your partner does not belong to you. They are a WHOLE person too.
- A person’s clothing or dancing does not mean they are asking for sex.
- Expressing one’s sexual desires is not exclusive to cisgender heterosexual presenting men. Stop the slut-shaming!
- Sexual assault does not always include physical bruising (just in case you did not come to that conclusion yet).
- Men are capable of controlling their sexual behaviors.
- Falsely reported sexual assaults do occur, but, the probability for false claims are low. (Believe women. Believe children. Believe the survivors)
- Sexual violence happens often! (in case you did not catch that memo yet)
- If the person is under the age of consent and sexual acts occur, it is sexual violence. If you are an adult coercing/influencing a minor into keeping secrets, being in a relationship with the stipulation that sex would not happen until they are of legal age, or engaging in anything sexual, it is sexual violence. Leave kids alone!
- Those who have some form of a disability are twice as likely as those without a disability to be sexually assaulted.
- Prostitutes and sex workers can be raped (foreshadowing).
- There are resources available to those who have been a survivor of sexual violence.
Literature Recommendations
Sexual Coercion. (2019). Office of Women’s Health. Retrieved from https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion
Violence Prevention. (2020). Sexual violence. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/index.html
Rape Culture. (2020). Retrieved from https://www.csbsju.edu/chp/health-promotion/sexual-violence/rape-culture
Hayes, R. M., Abbott, R. L., & Cook, S. (2016). It’s her fault. Violence Against Women, 22(13), 1540–1555. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801216630147
Resources
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
- https://www.rainn.org/
- 800–656-HOPE (4673)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
- 800–273–8255
- Text GO to 741741 (Crisis text line)
American Psychological Association
