Chapter 1
If It’s Not For You…Don’t
I have dedicated years trying to come up with a solid definition for the term “hoe”. I have asked friends, family members, and even passersby how they define the term. Today, I still do not have a solid definition for the term. Similar to the definition of leadership, there are as many definitions for the word hoe as there are people willing to define it.
We have developed the mentality that we want a classy person in the streets but a freak in the bed. From what I have learned throughout my sexual experiences, it does not take much to obtain the status of a freak. Sometimes, that involves having more than one sexual partner and testing out your sexual techniques. Yes, it is true that you can test out new things on one person but is that person willing to experiment with new things. For example, let us use Tyler Perry’s film Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor.
For those who have not seen it, watch it. It is a great movie and has been out since 2013. Since it has been out for some time now, I do not care about spoiling the film. In this film, Judith — played by the extravagant Jurnee Smollett — is married to her childhood sweetheart Brice (Lance Gross). There comes a point in their marriage where things become stagnant. Judith changes her style and all, but Brice does not notice. She even asks to have sex in different positions, and she is denied. She is not being satisfied at home and has an affair. Due to the affair, Judith and Brice’s marriage falls apart and Judith, unfortunately, contracts HIV. The film makes it obvious that Brice is happily married and has a family while Judith is all alone and…let me stop right here. There are some issues that I need to unpack.
Though I enjoyed this movie, I hate that Judith is punished with HIV for doing the same thing many men do on a regular basis in cinema and in reality. Furthermore, the movie portrays Brice as the victim solely because his wife cheated.
Let me say this now before anyone gets in their feelings by that last statement, I am a firm believer that if you are not being satisfied in your relationship discuss this with your partner first. If they are not willing to adjust to your needs, then you have every right to leave an unsatisfying relationship. I do not condone cheating. However, in this case, she went to her husband and addressed her concerns. She wanted a change with her husband prior to seeking a change with an outside party. All Judith wanted was a good dick down from her husband that was not missionary, and he said no. Female and submissive sexuality is not embraced the way it should. It is time to reclaim that definition of hoe and make it something positive and empowering. Again, if it’s not for you, then don’t.
As mentioned in the preface, I am not a fan of the spelling “ho”. Much of this is due to the history of the term. Some of that history I dislike is the definition itself. An unfortunate amount of people I have asked to define the word provided a definition that singled out women only. This is something I do not agree with. The characteristics that many often describe can be attributed to either a male or female. Some of the definitions I received include: “a woman who has a lot of sex”, “a promiscuous woman” (how original), “a woman with low morals”, “a woman who has sex with more than five sex partners throughout her life because the thing in her pants is sacred and must only be given to her husband”, and, a personal favorite, “bitches with a loose pussy”. And the definitions go on from there. I am going to take this moment to say these two things: 1) if it is not for you, do not make it for you. Who are you to judge? 2) Hoe-ness has no gender!
I am going to come back and address some of these definitions in a second, I just want to highlight another perspective in this argument: sexual position within the gay community. If this is out of your comfort zone, find another book or skip to another paragraph because this is a topic that needs to be discussed. I have asked some gay men what they define as a hoe and many of the definitions had a similar trend. Like most individuals who attributed hoe-like behavior to women, the hoe-like behavior is attributed to the bottoms rather than the tops. Also, let the records show that members of all sexual positions were asked, from strictly oral to verse to tops. I must say the verse guys were a lot more adamant about it.
For those who are unfamiliar with these terms, a bottom is a guy who typically receives anal penetration, a top gives it, and the verse guy does either or; it is shorthand for versatile. I cannot say that I was extremely shocked by this in any way. It appears that people tend to think that those that take on the supposedly submissive sexual role are not allowed to embrace sex as much as those that take on the “dominant” role. This brings up that old inconsiderate question, “Which one’s the man in the relationship?” Let me just tell you this now, a bottom can be dominant. A woman can be dominant. Any individual can be a hoe, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If it is not for you, then keep on moving.
A hoe is not a woman nor bottom that has a lot of sex. What does that mean to have a lot of sex? I, for one, enjoy sex. I have had bad sex. I have had a lot of mediocre sex. And I have definitely had some amazing sex. I am sure I can say the same for you as well. If you have not, that is fine. I am not going to judge you; however, if you are judging me, who asked you? When people define a hoe as someone who has a lot of sex, I think they have not been having enjoyable sex. Sex should be pleasurable and mutually enjoyable. This includes vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, frottage, or whatever fetishes you have. I am including BDSM in this as well, because that is a different kind of pleasure that I am not going to go into right now; however, BDSM is a full spectrum of sexual experiences.
“A lot of sex” is an entirely vague statement because it does not give you a sense of whether there is a quantity in mind or a frequency. It is, simply, a lot. If I had sex with my partner eight times in the span of five hours, is that enough to make me a hoe? If I had sex with my partner 730 times within a year, am I a hoe? Just for those who hate math, that averages out to twice a day for a year; adjust accordingly for a leap year. I cannot say for sure that makes me a hoe. I could say, however, either we both have a lot of time on our hands or we are excellent at time management.
For those who say that a hoe is someone, specifically a woman, with low morals, jump off your high ass pedestal. I hope you land in your own business because that is what you need to mind. There is no set guide to morals and values. Yes, we can all agree with the concept that killing someone is wrong. But many of those who agree with this same statement support wars, death penalty, or may make a statement that “all child molesters deserve to die”. But again, killing someone is wrong. One cannot push an argument about what is morally right and not be a hypocrite in some other fashion that goes against that same moral. Would you like examples?
We know that pedophilia is not okay, some would say morally wrong (something I agree with). Yet, there are family members that you would not trust near your children. Why is it that Uncle Bob or Aunt Betty are not in jail? Next, we say abortion is morally wrong. However, we are willing to make the argument that it should be provided for victims of rape or incest. Guess what, it is still an abortion. You’re just adding unneeded qualifications and exploiting the trauma that someone may have experienced. It is not your obligation to add qualifications on how someone wants to treat their body. Are you making laws that restrict access to food to obese individuals? It is their bodies. It is their choice. You know that feeling you have right now. That feeling is known as cognitive dissonance. You were presented with a conflict that contradicted your own beliefs and assumptions.
Our next definition is quite detailed. A hoe is a woman who has sex with more than five sex partners throughout her life because the thing in her pants is sacred and must only be given to her husband. I feel as though the person who gave me this definition is one shy of number five. But, let us unpack this definition. Why five? I stopped counting after I reached ten. Don’t judge me, I decided to wild out when I lost my virginity. I was 19 and in college. On top of this, I have been researching sexuality since age 10. This does not mean porn. I am talking about human anatomy, Kama Sutra, and safe sex practices.
That said, when defining a hoe, is it necessary to include the number of sexual partners? I understand there is a health risk with having multiple sexual partners, which is why I promote safe sex. Take a look at Judith. She had sex with 2 men in her life and ended up with HIV after having sex with guy number 2 — opposed to others who did not get a sexually transmitted infection (STI) until partner number 52. Not saying that it is a guarantee that someone will contract an STI from hoeing, it is a possibility. You can contract a disease or infection with a low number of partners. Clearly, the number of partners does not matter.
I am sure those of you who may want to take the abstinent or biblical standpoint would argue that you should save it for marriage. Here’s a fact. Abstinence-only sex education does not discourage teens from having sex. Comprehensive sexual education would benefit the youth more than abstinence-only education. Also, abstinence until marriage is not for everybody. Some want a test drive before they make the investment that marriage often brings.
As for the comment that the thing within a woman’s pants is sacred, I agree. What we all have in our pants is sacred — regardless of the type, size, or shape of the sex organ. But we often use the term “sacred” in a way to shame others. For example, there are sacred temples all over this earth and people are invited to gaze upon its wonders. We say nothing. But when that sacredness is used to describe sexuality, most definitely in terms of the feminine body, it becomes the highest of sins to gaze upon it. This is not to say that one should not be selective in whom they allow to gaze upon their temple, but one should not feel ashamed of it either.
When I choose to have sex with someone, I call it a blessing. I blessed that individual — be they male or female — with my sexual talents and my body. I know what I bring to the table and what I bring is amazing. Call me cocky if you must. But I ask for feedback and I like to hone my sexual craft. Keep in mind, however, I do not hand out blessings to any and everybody or whenever they want. Take God for example. There are billions of people on this planet and God is able to bless them whenever God sees fit. Therefore, if I choose to bless 5, 10, or even 50 different people in my lifetime with my body, that is not for you to judge. As Mary Mary once put it, “It’s the God in me”. Now, if that is something that is not for you, you do not have to practice what I preach.
Now, let us discuss my favorite definition. A hoe is a bitch with loose ass or pussy. I adjusted this definition to be more inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community. I have heard this definition multiple times in defining hoes.
Let me just go out and say that the vaginal canal and the anus are strong muscles and they both bounce back. If you are having sex with someone and they feel “loose”, rather than attempting to make them feel bad because they are not “tight” enough for you, ask yourself if you are full enough for them. Are you truly pleasing them or are they unsatisfied and appeasing your ego with fake moans? If you feel like they were loose, why not ask them to be completely honest with you and provide feedback on your stroke game. You never know how helpful this advice can be. Also, having sex does not make a person’s vagina or anus “loose”.
On the flipside, anal tearing and vaginal tearing can be a contributing factor. Muscle tearing can affect the elasticity of the vagina or anus. This can be due to dryness of the vaginal canal or the lack of using sexual lubricant. For those out there who are upset if it is not “wet”, carry lubricant just in case. Be prepared. Relying on your vagina owning, sexual partner to provide the lubrication with their natural secretions is not always beneficial.
As for the anus, I recommend always using lubricant. The rectal canal does make its own form of lubricant, mucus, but it is not enough to prevent tearing. This can also be a contributing factor to painful anal sex. There should be a minimal discomfort from anal sex, not excruciating pain. If you are feeling more pain than pleasure, I recommend that you find a partner that is willing to take their time to allow your muscles to relax.
No matter which form of sex one decides on, vaginal or anal, ensure that your partner’s muscles are relaxed. These pornos are lying to you. Stop hurting your partner by just jabbing your penis inside. If they are running from you at the start of sex, then you probably violated their insides. I understand the desire to beat a back out, but you can still do so by easing into sex. Even if it is a one-night stand or random hookup, you do not have the authority to literally tear up another person’s insides.
Keep in mind, for those who may be a tad bit sore from minor tearing, your temple will snatch back after a few days without sex. There are literally people out here taking a whole fist, or bigger, inside of them and all walls are stable. There are vaginal creams and gels that help with rejuvenating the vaginal canal. Feel free to invest in those if you wish. As for the anus, I am still looking for something that can help in a similar capacity as the gels and creams. However, allowing the tears to heal naturally or using hemorrhoid creams may help in the meantime. Also, do not take this as medical advice. Reach out to your primary care official for recommendations and treatments.
Now that we know what does not define a hoe, what is a decent definition? It is a gardening tool. Duh. I am only joking. A hoe is a noun, an adjective and a verb. A hoe (noun) is any individual, regardless of gender identity, who chooses to live a sex positive lifestyle free of the judgement and shame of outside influencers and embraces and owns the full extent of their sexuality. It (adjective) describes an individual who chooses to live a sex positive lifestyle free of the judgement and shame of outside influencers and embraces and owns the full extent of their sexuality. For some to hoe (verb), they must be participating in activities that are sex positive and are existing in a manner free of the judgement and shame of outside influencers. To hoe (verb) means to embrace and own the full extent of one’s sexuality. Now, are you ready to take the journey and learn how to be a hoe?
I want to take a moment to remind you that if hoeing is not for you, then you do not have to hoe. Also, you do not have to be a hoe to be sex positive. The two are not synonymous. There is no set definition of what sex positive is, however, it does refrain from shaming others and their sexual practices. One does not even have to like sex to be sex-positive. If you do not like sex, that is fine. There is absolutely no judgement. Whereas, hoeing, for the purpose of this book, more so Chapter 7, is for those who enjoy sex and wish to embrace it. I ask those of you who wish to be a hoe to take a moment to self-reflect.
Ask yourself, why do you want to be a hoe? What are you looking to get out of this journey? Are you trying to fill a missing void? Find love? Do you just enjoy sex? Are you trying to get over someone? The answers to these questions can make a huge impact on your journey. For example, I do not recommend someone live their best hoe life when they are dealing with hurt from a former relationship. This can do more harm than good in the long run. I recommend having a true love for oneself before attempting to live this lifestyle. This will be explained in further detail in Chapter 7. Until then, make sure you are being honest with yourself when you are self-reflecting on these questions.
You should now ask yourself about how long you are planning to participate in the hoe lifestyle. Are you planning on doing this for a year? 6 months? For the rest of your life? It is not necessary to have a set timeframe. Truth be told, you can even be a hoe within a monogamous relationship. It does not matter. The length of time only matters if and only if it matters to you?
Another question for you to answer is whether it is for a special occasion? For example, some people may want to hoe because they are going out of town and just want to see what the town has to offer in the sexual department. Sometimes the occasion may be that you are finally going to see that person you have had feelings for and have not seen in years. Maybe it is because you are moving and not returning, and you wish to take the time to see those that you never got around to seeing. I have done that one before. Seize the day. Why spend time wondering what it would be like when you can see right now?
The last question you should ask yourself is what are you comfortable with doing? What are your do’s and don’ts? This will also be discussed later in Chapter 7. As of right now, think about your comfort zone. Is there anything that you are not into? What are the things that you are into? How well do you know your body? Do you love yourself? Is there anything that you wish to change? These are important questions to answer when learning about your sexuality. We all experience sex different and all want different things performed during the act.
A word from experience, do not expect the qualities and beliefs that you possess to be the same for others. For example, you may enjoy giving oral and may find someone who hates receiving it but is willing to provide that for you if you desire. You may find people who match you perfectly and others that you may have to adjust with/for. There may be someone out there that you find extremely attractive, but you do not mesh well together sexually — and that is ok.
There will be a lot of trial and error. However, there will also be multiple opportunities for success. There are many poisonous fish out there ruining the quality of fish in your ocean or sea. When you catch a few bad ones, do not throw them back in the water to accidentally end up on your hook in the future. Put them off to the side. The quality fish that fits your standards are waiting to be caught.
